Crisis of Faith

I have just finished reading this rather long article about Mother Teresa’s Crisis of Faith and I must say that it is truly an interesting and enlightening piece. It is also quite humbling to know that even someone like Mother Teresa, considered as the most faithful woman in the world, struggled with her faith for years, experiencing relentless doubt and anxiety even to the point of questioning God’s existence.

For all these years, our mental image of Mother Teresa is this little woman bent with age but always smiling and lovingly taking care of the sick, the dying and the ‘poorest of the poor’. She was hailed as ‘the living saint’. Who knew that behind that was a suffering person in agony because of the ‘darkness’ and ‘loneliness’ in her heart and the ‘absence’ of God in her life. For all her successes and all the worldly accolades given to her, Mother Teresa was lonely and felt forsaken by her God, confessing to her superiors how she suffered from ‘spiritual dryness’ even as late as 1995, two years before her death.

Lord, my God, who am I that You should forsake me? The Child of your Love - and now become as the most hated one - the one - You have thrown away as unwanted - unloved. I call, I cling, I want - and there is no One to answer - no One on Whom I can cling - no, No One. - Alone ... Where is my Faith - even deep down right in there is nothing, but emptiness & darkness - My God - how painful is this unknown pain - I have no Faith - I dare not utter the words & thoughts that crowd in my heart - & make me suffer untold agony.


So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them - because of the blasphemy - If there be God - please forgive me - When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven - there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives & hurt my very soul. - I am told God loves me - and yet the reality of darkness & coldness & emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul. Did I make a mistake in surrendering blindly to the Call of the Sacred Heart? - Mother Teresa, addressed to Jesus, at the suggestion of a confessor, undated

I am humbled because I have also found myself wallowing in my own darkness and loneliness, also questioning God’s providence. And yet I am not really the religious type and I confess I would be aptly described as one of the ‘nominal’ Catholics – only by name, but not in actions or convictions. If Mother Teresa suffered countless years of doubts, anxieties, feelings of abandonment and darkness, I realize my own feelings of worthlessness and loneliness are nothing compared to what she must have felt. Then, who am I to complain and question God whenever I feel down and out, or when things don’t turn out right?

Somehow, it is comforting to know that doubt and anxiety are a natural part of everyone’s life, even that of Blessed Teresa of Calcutta. But what is truly inspiring is how Mother Teresa managed to spend more than 50 years of her life dedicated to serving the 'poorest of the poor' in the filthiest and vilest places on Earth. And she did all that while suffering intensely deep within.

She is indeed a Saint.

The Fox becomes a Snail?

Ever since I first used Mozilla Firefox a few years back, I have been a loyal user. I have used other browsers, aside from Internet Explorer, such as Avant and Maxthon but I quickly settled for Firefox as soon as I used it and haven't looked back since. What I like about Firefox is that it loads faster, is much easier to use and customize and is more secure than Internet Explorer.

Until last week, though.

Lately, I have been having problems with Firefox 2 at home. All of a sudden, Firefox has become extremely slow. What normally takes a few seconds to load, such as logging in to Blogger or opening my Gmail account, now takes more than a couple of minutes. I thought maybe my ISP, Smart Bro, is acting up again since I don't have problems with Firefox at the office. But then I used IE7 and Opera 9.23 and the pageload speeds were quite okay, way faster than Firefox's actually.

Unfortunately for me, the sites that load the slowest are the Google sites I frequently use such as Gmail, Google News, Image Search, Blogger, Analytics and others. It sucks that I now have to suffer very slow page loads while using my preferred browser at home.

What's the problem, Firefox? I have already tried uninstall/reinstall. I have also disabled extensions and add-ons including my StumbleUpon and ImageShack toolbars. There isn't any improvement. I guess I need to research further to find out what really caused Firefox's sudden slowdown. Sigh. I may have to settle with Opera for the meantime while I further investigate the fox's apparent transformation to a snail.

Update (8.24.07): Firefox is OK now.

Embarcadero in Legazpi City

Citizens of Legazpi will soon have another prime destination right within the city – the Embarcadero. Formerly called Sunwest Wharf, the Embarcadero is a project of Misibis Land Inc, the developer of Misibis Resorts, Estates and Spas. This wharf development will be located in the Legazpi Port Area near the unique Kapuntukan Hill (also called the Sleeping Lion because of its shape).

The Embarcadero is a waterfront project that is envisioned to be a new world-class destination for local and international tourists with retail areas, restaurants, a civic space and a landmark lighthouse. Embarcadero will be designed by BN Group Pty Ltd, an Australian-based architectural and urban design firm which is also involved with the Suria KLCC Retail Podium in KL, Malaysia and the East Darling Harbour in Sydney.

As its name implies, Embarcadero will not just be a destination in itself but will also be a jump-off point to other destinations within Bicol including Mayon Volcano, Vera Falls in Malinao, Sula Channel, the underground river of Pototan Cave, the giant Manta rays of Ticao Pass, the whalesharks of Donsol , Nag-aso Boiling Lake of Manito, Camarines Sur Watersports Complex and Misibis Resorts, Estates and Spas. The company is already looking for a Marketing Manager for the retail area.

I hope this new development in Legazpi City will be successful and will win the support of Legazpeños and Albayanos. Along with other projects such as the Southern Luzon International Airport in Daraga and the rehabilitation of the mothballed Mayon International Hotel, these developments can further spur tourism here in our province.

Eco-tourism can do wonders to our local economy and will certainly create more jobs and business opportunities. Now that the private sector is doing its part by investing in our own natural wonders, I hope every Albayano will also do their part in making our place more tourist-friendly and progressive.

Sometimes the problem lies not only in the lack of infrastructure or the lack of government funding but also in the cynical attitude of some.

Sadly, many of our kababayans do not give a damn about their own city and province. We need 'pride of place', belief in the beauty of our natural resources and our capability for progress despite whatever problems and disasters. The site of the Embarcadero may not look promising at present, but it takes people with vision and determination to create progress and change. If we work together, nothing is impossible.

A Tale of Two Artists

Whenever I find myself lost in the whirlpool of daily life, I try to tune out from all that noise and frenzy, take a step back and listen to some good ol’ music to soothe my weary soul. When feeling down in the dumps, I sometimes find myself instinctively looking for two particular artists in my playlist: Eva Cassidy and Israel Kamakawiwo’ole. You probably may have never heard of their names before but I am sure that you have heard their music at least once.

These two artists were worlds apart, yet they remarkably share many things in common. Israel, also fondly called IZ, is one of Hawaii’s most beloved musicians. He was literally larger than life: standing at a gigantic six-foot-six and weighing over 700 pounds.


Anyone who saw IZ for the first time, he with a small ukulele in hand, surely would have been awed by this man. Never would they think that within that gargantuan frame lay a gift: a smooth and pure voice.

If you have watched the closing scenes of ’50 First Dates’, waited till the credits rolled in ‘Meet Joe Black’, or watched as Dr. Mark Greene passed away in ‘E.R.’, you have already heard IZ’s voice. ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ and ‘What a Wonderful World’ are old classic tunes. Everybody knows them. But IZ gave these two songs his own twist and the result is sublime.

How IZ recorded these songs is legendary. He called up his producer at 2 a.m. saying he wanted to record right at that moment. At the studio, he started with a quick dedication – ‘Kay, this one's for Gabby’- then began gently strumming his ukulele and sang the opening lines of ‘Over the Rainbow’.

Halfway through it, he deftly and seamlessly changes the tune and started singing Louis Armstrong’s ‘What a Wonderful World” then back again to 'Somwehere..'. It is a simple performance but was truly heartfelt. IZ’s version has been described as ‘so sad and poignant, yet full of hope and possibility’.

That was the first and last time he sang those two songs. The record was released and IZ quickly rose to fame. However, it did not last long. IZ died four years later due to a respiratory illness related to his obesity. He was only 38. Hawaii's state flag flew at half staff on the day of his funeral and 10,000 people gathered as is ashes were scattered into the Pacific Ocean.

The other artist is Eva Cassidy. She was a jazz, blues and pop singer from Maryland who lived a fairly simple and quiet life as a singer in Washington DC. She was lavished with accolades, sold over four million copies and was even described as 'one of the greatest voices of her generation’. Sadly, she never saw all of this happen. She died of cancer in 1996. She was only 33.

It was only after her death that recordings of her songs were released. My favorite song by Eva is her rendition of Sting’s ‘Fields of Gold’. It is said that Sting himself was moved to tears when he heard her version. She also sang a mellowed-down version of ‘Time after Time’ which was used in an episode of Smallville.

Remarkably, one of her most famous recordings was of ‘Somewhere over the Rainbow’. In September 1996, with her health rapidly deteriorating that she even needed a walker, she did her final performance in front of an audience of friends. She sang ‘What a Wonderful World'.

Eva and IZ: two different artists who lived thousands of miles away from each other. Yet both of them made beautiful music that lived on even if they both have passed away too soon. Both gave their own rendition of the same two songs. Both became even more famous and sold more records posthumously. And both have captured the hearts of millions of music lovers all over the world including mine.

Listen:

A Glimpse of Old Cagsawa

The ruins of Cagsawa Church in Daraga, Albay never fails to enthrall me even if I've stood under its austere presence for dozens of times already. For 193 years, the ruins remain as a silent reminder of the lethal fury of Bicol's femme fatale, Mayon Volcano. Over a thousand people died there after a deadly lahar swept through the town, a terrible precursor to more recent tragedies.

I have always wondered how the once-flourishing pueblo of Cagsawa looked like. What were the structures built in and around the town? Were there plazas and teeming markets with fresh produce coming in from the seaside pueblos of Legazpi or the wide, arable plains of Ambos Camarines? What was life like in 19th century Cagsawa or Budiao?

With very little recorded information, and virtually no paintings nor photographs to provide a visual clue to what Cagsawa must have been, that town now lives only in our imagination.

As for the church of Cagsawa, I came across a rare photograph of an apparently intact church, with the belfry and part of the main building still standing amidst what looks like a rocky wasteland overgrown with weeds. Of course, this photo couldn't have been taken before the eruption in 1814 because photography was not yet developed as a usable process back then. In fact the oldest photograph in the world dates back only to 1826 or a full twelve years after Cagsawa was buried by lahar.

This remarkable photo provides a glimpse of how Cagsawa church looked like in the 19th century. I think it has a bit of a resemblance to the present church of Camalig, doesn't it? The only distinct difference is the shape of the belfry: Cagsawa has a more pointed top while the one in Camalig is rounder. I'm just wondering what happened to the other parts of the church, particularly the main building. Did it crumble away leaving only the belfry, standing like an old grey tombstone amidst the greenery? Was it torn down by relic hunters?

I can only guess.

For now, we still have Cagsawa's ancient belfry to behold, still standing like a sentinel even as modern catastrophes have dealt hard blows upon our land once in a while. It is a silent reminder of our past and a grim warning of what the future may hold.

To see photos of the present Cagsawa Ruins, click here
Old Cagsawa Photo credit to Jed Llamas, DigitalPhotographer.com.ph
More information at the Albay Tourism Website

Blackle - Not Quite Green

A few weeks ago, I blogged about how Blackle promises to save as much as 15 watts simply by rendering the Google Search webpage in black. However, detailed testing by Techblogg.com involving 27 different monitors revealed that, although Blackle did reduce energy consumption in CRT monitors, it wasn’t really by 15 watts as Blackle claimed.

Moreover, when accessed using an LCD monitor, Blackle actually consumed more power than regular Google. But, the power consumption difference in LCD monitors between Blackle and Google is actually so small (an increase of 100mW or 0.1Watts). Thus, it doesn’t really matter if you use either site.

With Blackle and other so-called green Googles revealed to be not really as green as they claim to be, Techblogg suggests better, tried and tested ways to reduce power consumption with computers.

1. Turn off your PC after work.
2. Drop the screen brightness.
3. Switch off your ADSL modem at night.
4. Switch everything of the wall.
5. Set your desktop PC management.

It's a no-brainer actually - the best way to keep the power bills down is simply to turn the thing off and pull the plugs when not in use. However, when in use, I keep my monitor’s brightness and contrast level as low as my eyes can possibly allow. But still, I’m guilty of keeping my PC on overnight often, especially when I’m downloading large files. Yikes. Hehe.

By the way, I’ve been planning to replace this CRT monitor with a new LCD monitor, which I heard is much more energy-efficient than the former. Any suggestions where I can purchase an inexpensive but reliable LCD monitor? :-)

Groovy Dancing Girl

I can't get enough of this video lately. Love the song (Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger by Daft Punk), love the moves, love the girl. Hehe. I wish the inmates in Cebu will do a routine just like this. Haha.

A Grammatically-challenged Love Story

This one cracked me up. Haha. Props to whoever wrote this piece of sh*t, though some of the boo-boos are already a bit gasgas. Found it on Inquirer.net, of all places. Read it, you'll love it! Chona will be so proud.

We've been friends since a long time ago. We come from the same alma mother. Actually, our paths crossed one time on another. But it's only now that I gave him a second look. I realize that beauty is in the eyes. The pulpbits of my heart went fast, really fast. Cute pala siya!

And then, he came over with me. He said, "I hope you don't mine. Can I take your number?" Nag-worry ako. What if he doesn't give it back? He explained naman na it's so we could keep intact daw. Sabi ko, connect me if I'm wrong but are you asking me ouch? Nabigla siya. Sagot niya, "The!" Aba! Parang siya pa ang galit! Persona ingrata!!! Ang kapal niya! I cried buckles of tears.

Na-guilty yata siya. Sabi niya, “Isipin mo na lang na this is a blessing in the sky.” Irregardless daw of his feelings, we'll go ouch na rin. Now we're so in love! Mute and epidemic na ang past. Thanks God we swallowed our fried. Kasi, I'm 33 na and I'm running out the time.

After 2 weeks, he plopped the question. "Will you married me?" I'm still in a state of shocked. Kasi mantakin mo naman, when its rain, it's really fours talaga! This is true good to be true. So siyempre, Isaid yes. Love is a many splendor, di ba?

Pero nung inaayos ko na ang aming kasal, everything swell to pieces. Nag-di-dinner kami noon nang biglang sa harap ng aming table, may babaeng humirit ng, "Well, well, well. Look do we have here." What the fuss... The nerd ng babaeng yon! She said they were still too on.

So I told her, "Whatever is that means, cut me some slacks, ‘no!" I didn't want this to get our hand kaya I had to sip it in the bud. She accused me of steeling her boyfriend. The nerd talaga! Ats if! I don't never want to portrait the role of the other woman. Gosh, tell her to the marines! I told her, "Please, you should to mine your own business!"

Who would believed her anyway? Dahil it's not my problem anymore but her problem anymore. Hmphf. Tumigil na rin siya ng panggugulo. Everything is coming up daisies! I'm so happy. Even my boyfriend said liketwice. He's so supportive. Sabi niya, "Look at is this way. She's out of our lives."

Kaya I advised you - take the risk! You can never can tell. Just burn the bridge when you get there. Life is shorts. If you make a mistake, well, just pray for the internal and external repose of your soul. I second emotion.

*Update: There's a sequel! Got this from my colleague, Olops, again. Haha. Read after the jump.

I thought Jay’s ex-girlfriend was really out of our lives. But heaven only goes that I was wrong. Kakakasal pa lang namin nun when Jay received a uninamous text. “Meet me at the clinic”. I had a stinking feeling in my butt. I told him not to go. It might in danger him. Pero sabi niya, ok lang daw because life is what we make. Tumahimik lang ako. Sabi niya, Penny for you talks? But I didn’t know what to say. Beggars can’t be losers. Isa pa, worried talaga ako na baka yung girl yun. Jay said, Can’t got your tongue?? I tried to smile at him. Kahit di ako nagsalita, actions speak louder than works, di ba?

Be that as is may, umalis pa rin siya. I was out of the loophole. After a few hours, I called him on his cellphone. But my calls fell on Jeff’s ears. Lalo akong nag-worry kasi I didn’t even know Jeff. Sabi na nga ba di na dapat umalis si Jay. That’s what I’m talking about it.

So I tried calling some friends who will help me find Jay. That’s what friends are for naman di ba? But I just faced a blank mall. I had to do this alone. Nag-taxi na lang ako. Pero ang mahal na pala ng plug down rate. When I got to the clinic, the security was really buffed up. Di basta-basta makakapasok. So I said, I beg your cordon. I’m patient. It’s my favorite virtue nga e.? Nagduda yata yung isang guard. Hinawakan ako sa arm. The nerd! I shouted, Don’t touch me not! Buti na lang the other guards were nice and said, Come on, let’s join us.

When I went inside, parang I’ve been there, done there. Nung walang nakatingin, nag-explore ako. Nakarating ako sa top floor and I had a bird’s IQ of the clinic. I could not explain it but I was drawn to a room on the floor. Siguro Divine Intermission na yun.

Parang may narinig akong umuungol. I was thorn. Di ko alam kung aalis ba ako o papasukin ko. It made me stick in the stomach to think that Jay and his ex-girlfriend were there. I tried to tell myself to slower my expectations. But to tell with it! I had to strike while the iron is not. I had to hear the truth from the corpse’s mouth. I barraged in. O my gas! Si Jay, naka-strap sa operating table, parang genie pig sa isang nakakatakot na experiment. He was on the cutting edge. He was bleeding. At ang doctor na nagpapahirap sa kanya, ang ex-girlfriend niya at ang bago nitong boyfriend, ang nurse na si Walter. Doon ko napatunayang blood is thicker than Walter.

Guess watch? Di ko alam kung paano ko nagawa pero I was able to search and rescue Jay. Siguro adrenaline brush na yun. Now, he’s recovering. Nag-sorry siya na hindi siya nakinig sa akin. I know it’s a better pill to swallow your pride so it’s forgive and forget me not. All swell that end swell. I know we should kiss and put on makeup.

Ang ex-girlfriend naman niya at si Walter, nakakulong na. Detention is really better than cure. So the moral of the lesson is: if symptoms persist, insult your doctor.

Movies You Shouldn't Miss

Jaws Paws

More after the Jump

Pirates of Mr. Bean: The Curse of the Green Mini

Die Old 4.0

I,Phone

The Chronicles of Narnia Riddick

Diet Another Day

Stephen King's It Eat

Source

The 'Other' Uses of YM Status Messages

Here in our chaotic office, the omnipresent Yahoo Messenger is more than just communication software. Its custom status message feature is also an all-around, all-purpose bulletin board slash personal blurb slash virtual speech bubble of sorts.

From carefully worded mini-sermons to song lyrics and poetic verses, the status message is used most often to tell the world practically anything that the particular person wants to. Not content with the usual and boring 'Busy' or 'Not at My Desk', the irrepressible resourcefulness of some have made the YM Status Message more than just an update of 'current events'. Even before Twitter, there was YM status message.

Here are some other uses of the YM status message that I have observed over the years.

1. Greeting Card - Is it somebody's birthday today? Did somebody get promoted? Then expect dozens of greetings up on everybody's status messages. This is an easy and no-cost way to greet anyone in the office aside from a direct PM to the person involved. It's become a common practice so much that if you were never greeted on YM status messages ever in your entire existence in our office, you should seriously reflect if you have friends here. Hehe. The YM status message is also an effective tool to coax the celebrator to give a treat to everyone in the office. I guess with more than a handful of very public YM status messages asking for pa-pansit or ice-cream, somebody's going to cave in to that subtle pressure soon. ^_^

2. Instrument of Protest - Is the A/C broken again? Is the salary late again? No more coffee, creamer or sugar at the pantry? Did somebody from the higher-ups shortchange somebody? Then expect righteous indignation, in more than a handful of status messages, aimed with military precision at the powers that be. Sometimes it's amazing how a measly 200+ characters can morph into a concise but venomous missive expressing discontent, disgust and derision over a wide range of office conditions and situations. It takes genius to condense utter hate into a few words. Haha.

3. Advertising Tool - Who needs ad space when there's YM status message? Micro-entrepreneurs in our midst use the custom status message to advertise their products or services, from cell phone E-load to food. It also works the other way around. If you need anything, you can simply pop it into your status message and wait ‘til somebody PMs you about it. Like later, if my cell phone conks out on me again, I'd probably put up 'Sisay tabi may charger?' (Who has a cell phone charger, please?) on my YM. LOL. It’s also a useful online marketing tool for bloggers or anyone who wants to advertise a particular website. Just provide a link and a mysterious, undecipherable message like ‘click me’. Hehe

4. Online Rebuke – This is related to #2 but is usually aimed towards a colleague or a friend rather than at superiors. Anybody who wants to castigate somebody can easily put a message complete with stinging words of rebuke and criticism. Sometimes this evolves into a sort of weird virtual conversation when the other party answers back, still through YM status message. It’s actually quite ridiculous and foolish but what the heck, its part of the craziness that still remarkably keeps us all sane.

5. Multi-purpose bulletin board – Apparently, the YM status message satisfies the need for self-expression. It becomes a multi-purpose tool where anything from jokes, quotes, movie and TV lines, song lyrics, poem verses, foreign phrases, and a whole lot more can be posted. There’s the usual deep and inspirational message (either in English or Tagalog), the occasional ‘woe-is-me’ blurb, and sometimes, the YM status message version of PDA (public display of affection). Sometimes, reading through other people’s YM status messages can be very entertaining and can enlighten you to the deep mysteries of life. Just Kidding.

So there - just five of the other uses of YM status messages. Most are corny, others are downright pathetic, some are ridiculous and laughable, and a few are actually insightful and useful. These status messages are now more than just a feature of YM but have become another medium of self-expression. Meanwhile, I’m off to check if anybody’s got an interesting status message on right now. Haha.

Ma's Special Day

Today is Ma's special day - her birthday. Hehe. I can remember my sister and I used to make home-made cards from cartolina and some coloring pens.

Well, the cards looked like crap but I hope Ma appreciated the effort and the thought. Hehe.

Happy Birthday Ma. Thanks for everything. Love 'Ya! :-)